On Finding a Spiritual Director
Soon after finishing seminary, I moved across the country to take my first real job at a church. I knew right away that I would need a spiritual director to help keep me grounded amidst the onslaught of tasks, activities, and competing demands that come with receiving a paycheck from a church. I’ve heard theologian Stanley Hauerwas say, “Being in ministry is like being nibbled to death by ducks.” Between you and me, I figured committing to the work of spiritual direction sounded a lot better than death by ducks.
“Though good advice lies deep within the heart,
a person with understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).
I wanted help keeping the most important things the most important things—having eyes to see and ears to hear the fresh activity of God’s kingdom around me amidst the cacophony of busyness. I needed help staying close to the heart of Jesus.
Where do you find help like this?
Knowing what spiritual direction is (and isn’t)
In spiritual direction, one person listens as another listens to God. Spiritual direction is an age-old practice of the church with roots all the way back to the desert mothers and fathers. In recent years, it has found a resurgence in some Protestant circles, but it is by no means new or a novel fad. It is an ancient work of sacred listening, of paying attention to the work of God’s love in our lives.
This isn’t coaching, counseling, mentorship, or discipleship. These are all very useful to us in different parts of our life, but we don’t want to confuse them with spiritual direction. I’ve met people before who have assumed that spiritual direction is simply another place to have conversation about your life with God, or that a spiritual director tells you what to do. These just aren’t the case.
A good spiritual director is like a midwife, a companion with us in whatever God is doing in us right now. So they refrain from simply giving advice. They are attentive companions. Silence, patience, discernment—these are the tools of the spiritual director. Each of us is responding to a particular image of God that we have. A good spiritual director lovingly invites us to explore where that image has come from or how it’s changing over time. Spiritual direction is a three-way conversation among God, the directee, and the director.
Spiritual direction is a place for experimenting with spiritual practices. What does prayer look like for you? What does it feel like? What’s your relationship to the Scriptures? What’s your relationship with church? Where do the faith, hope, and love of God seem to fill your life? Where do they seem to be missing? Does your rule of life feel like checking boxes? Or is it bringing deeper levels of freedom in your life? These are appropriate questions for spiritual direction.
What are you looking for in spiritual direction?
I once heard a spiritual director say that they really didn’t know what to say other than to repeat Jesus’ question to blind Bartimaeus: “What do you want me to do for you?”
What do you want Jesus to do for you?
Strip away all the noise, all the busyness, and all the distractions, and this is the core question we find in spiritual direction. What do you want Jesus to do for you?
What draws you to spiritual direction? What do you really want? What desires do you find surfacing inside you that lead you to seek out a relationship like this right now? What is God inviting you to in this season? What do you need in spiritual direction?
Maybe you find yourself in a season of discernment. It’s a time of transition, and you want another pair of eyes and ears on your life and the decisions before you. Maybe you carry a sizable load of responsibilities—could be ministry, could be another vocation of service—and you need the ongoing presence of another person. These are helpful things to know as you look for a spiritual director.
If you’re looking for quick answers or solutions, spiritual direction may not be what you’re looking for right now. I’ve explained to directees before that our sessions will rarely, if ever, end with a period or exclamation point. Life is not like a 30-minute sitcom with a clear problem and easy solution. We’re not fixing broken things or solving problems in spiritual direction. More often we end with a comma or ellipsis, to be continued next time. We're walking a journey. We hold the mystery of God’s work together. In the words of Teilhard de Chardin, we trust in the slow work of God.
Where to look for a spiritual director
So where do you find such a companion for your journey? A first good place is word of mouth. Who do you know? And who do they know? Do you know someone who meets with a director that they would recommend? Does someone in your church offer spiritual direction? Does your denomination recommend any resources? For instance, my ministry network provides a directory of spiritual directors connected to our churches.
Look for retreat centers located in your area. Monasteries and seminaries can be great resources for connecting with spiritual directors.
Some spiritual direction training programs provide a directory of graduates who are available to new directees. The Sabbath Life provides such a directory.
Networks like Christ-centered Spiritual Directors Association and Spiritual Directors International provide online member directories.
Technology today has made spiritual directors more accessible than ever. You'll want to weigh the pros and cons of meeting with a spiritual director in-person or by video. Video opens up the options of who you can meet with and offers a level of convenience, cutting out travel time. Being in person allows you to enter into a space that is specially curated for this sacred work. It also allows all of your body language, and the director's, to participate in the process.
What to look for in a spiritual director
You want to find a spiritual director who is a good fit for you. Not every director is for every person. Things like personality, theology, life stage, and life experience all come into play. You may want someone who shares the language and experience of leaders in your particular denomination. Or you may want a completely objective perspective on your journey.
You should be aware of the dynamics of dual relationships. This happens when a person has one role in one part of your life and a different role in another part. Our neighbor also happens to be a teacher at our kids' school. The kids are learning that how they interact with this person for whom they plant-sit is different when they see her at school. There is wisdom in boundaries, but when we're not aware of these dynamics, it can be messy. I've had some apprentices in spiritual direction choose to meet with people they already know through church, and because either they or the other person didn't know how to hold appropriate boundaries, it came to be messy and unhelpful. Should you meet with a spiritual director with whom you have a dual relationship? That's for the two of you to discern together. But do be aware of the complicated dynamics of dual relationships.
You want to find a spiritual director who is a person of prayer. They should exhibit a mature faith, full of integrity and wisdom. Compassionate curiosity is an essential quality for a spiritual director. Non-anxious presence is another. Do they make you feel seen and safe? Do they honor and respect your story? Do they generously hold space for the whole you? A spiritual director doesn't come into the room with an agenda. They trust in the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit before, during, and after the time you share together.
In today’s world, someone who uses the language “spiritual director” should have specialized training. A person shouldn’t call themselves a “spiritual director” just because they like to pray with people and give advice. A good spiritual director submits to accountability and community through things like training, supervision, and church community. In addition, member networks such as CSDA and SDI provide ethical standards for spiritual directors. It’s important that you share common expectations with the person you meet.
A discernment process
Once you reach out to a director, you’ll want to set up an initial consultation. You want to know that this is a good fit, that this director is a person you can trust. This might feel something like a job interview or even a first date. Ask lots of questions. Be as clear as you can about what you're looking for, what you might find most helpful, and what you know would be unhelpful. As a director, I have particular questions I have in mind during a first meeting, and I hope that the prospective directee has some intentionality in the meeting.
I hope to leave that meeting with some confidence that this is a good fit or not. A good director can provide referrals if it’s needed. Spiritual directors are human beings, and sometimes things just don’t click. That's okay. Sometimes it’s personality, sometimes theology, sometimes schedule.
Have an initial consultation with more than one spiritual director, so you have something to compare. The last time I was looking for a new director, I reached out to a friend who I knew was a director. At the time, he wasn’t meeting with new people, and he offered about five recommendations to me. Of those, I reached out to two. With one, we found we had a lot in common, including life stage. With the other, he had less formal experience as a director but was older. I wound up choosing him after some prayer and discernment as I realized I don’t have many older spiritual uncles speaking into my life right now.
There’s nothing magical about a process like this. I know either would have been good. But it’s good to be able to compare. Like finding a counselor you trust, finding a spiritual director takes some trial and error, learning what works for you and what doesn’t.
Invite a potential spiritual director to share their story—both their story as it relates to God, and their story as it relates to their vocation as a spiritual director. Throughout my life, I've had the experience of hearing someone else use the same language of "God," "Christian," and "church" and assuming we were talking about the exact same thing. And then things got messy when it turned out we weren't talking about the same thing. Stories provide some context for our language. As a director, I get curious about what a person talks about God and their spiritual life the way that they do.
We live in a world today where many of us attach big emotions to particular social and political issues. Spiritual directors aren't exempt from having their central nervous systems activated by these things. Again, clarity in this can be really important in an initial consultation. Spiritual direction is a perfect place to explore why we get so excited or frustrated or stressed by the news and holding that before God. A spiritual director's work isn't to rebuke, correct, or judge that work but to enter into that with you with kindness, gentleness, and patience.
You'll want to talk about the expectations of frequency. Most often, I meet with individuals monthly. But I've also had people who wanted to meet every other week, every other month, quarterly, or as needed—whether this was about their life situation or finances.
One more thing you may discuss is how the relationship should end. This isn't a lifetime commitment. The important work is what the Holy Spirit is doing in you. The spiritual director is a witness of this work. We shouldn't put too much weight on them, as if this one person is the only one who can fill this role for us. Having a mutually agreed-upon way of ending the relationship and celebrating the journey together can be a really good thing.
Practical and financial considerations
Don’t forget to talk about money. As Paul writes to Timothy, “Those who work deserve their pay.” A spiritual director is a trained professional and should be treated as such. I’ve known directors who charge anywhere between $50 and $100 per session. I have known some who offer a sliding scale based on need. I’ve known some who offer their services for free out of their own sense of calling and conviction.
If you’re seeking spiritual direction, and your financial situation doesn’t prohibit it, plan to financially compensate the person you meet with. It adds weight to how you value the time.
Wrapping up
I have found spiritual directors through church. I have found spiritual directors through referrals from friends. If you sense God inviting you into this practice of holy listening, there is a spiritual director for you, ready to hold your story and listen with you as you’re listening to God.
